i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
