my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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