Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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