I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My vagina is officially offended.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
