Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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