I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
