This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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