I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
