youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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