he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
