we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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