There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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