My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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