At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
