I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
