I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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