after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
