dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
