My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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