Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
