I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
