Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
