I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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