I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
