Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
