Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
