I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
