i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh god it's open bar.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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