She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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