go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
