after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
