I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
