So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
