just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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