we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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