It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
