If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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