I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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