you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
