if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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