guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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