I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.