im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.