I think I won the penis lottery.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are