I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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