i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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