I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
