4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
