how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
