people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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