my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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