She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
