I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
