Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
