phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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