Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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